chrisvnerd

about the skullet.

Here is a passage from Peter Angell's "Agincourt and After" regarding being a sports fan, relating it to Carlton Fisk's famous homerun in the 1975 World Series. Thanks to columnist Bill Simmons for making me aware of this piece.

"It is foolish and childish, on the face of it, to affiliate ourselves with anything so insignificant and patently contrived and commercially exploitive as a professional sports team, and the amused superiority and icy scorn that the non-fan directs at the sports nut (I know this look -- I know it by heart) is understandable and almost unanswerable. Almost. What is left out of this calculation, it seems to me, is the business of caring -- caring deeply and passionately, really caring -- which is a capacity or an emotion that has almost gone out of our lives. And so it seems possible that we have come to a time when it no longer matters so much what the caring is about, how frail or foolish is the object of that concern, as long as the feeling itself can be saved. Naivete -- the infantile and ignoble joy that sends a grown man or woman to dancing and shouting with joy in the middle of the night over the haphazardous flight of a distant ball -- seems a small price to pay for such a gift."

I'm watching this special on drug culture in the 1960s (well so far they've only covered the 1960s) on VH1 of all channels, and they brought up the factor of people being drafted to go to Vietnam caused a portion of America's youth to say "Fuck it. I'm going to die soon anyway. Let's do some drugs." It made me think about how that seems to have been the norm here for the better part of 60 years. I'm doing no research here because I'm lazy and nobody reads this thing anyway, but we nuke Japan in what, 1945? I don't think that's a huge event for the topic, but for the far-seeing, in-the-know adolescents, it's the introduction to instantaneous wide-spread death into the world, and I'm sure at this point some were brought over to this way of thinking.

The real beginning though, wasn't an exact moment, but the combination of the slow buildup of the Cold War, started since World War II, likely earlier, and the discovery that the USSR had the bomb in 1949 (Okay I looked something up on Wikipedia) and then they all knew not only the concept of the horrendous deaths of those Japanese, but the possible deliverer and the deliverer's potential reason for their own demise. Meanwhile you could be conscripted to go to Korea, and they're having kids get under their desks to save them from the bomb. I'm not going to be smart-assey and say how stupid that was in a cute way, but it was (maybe I just did). Anyway, if the continuance of people not being killed by the bomb for 17 years calmed people down, along came the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962, which upped the ante on the reality of the situation.

I'm honestly not sure about the 1970s so I'll leave that alone. The only image I have of that time is Guitar rock, discos and cocaine (though the cocaine went right into the 80s and maybe defined that time more, before crack came by). For some reason my experiences have embedded in my head that people thought they would all die 1980s in the same, accepted way, and that had something to do with the materialism of the age. I won't back that up with any evidence, but that's the picture I have. But then the wall goes down, either in 1989 or 91, I don't remember, and suddenly we're the lone super-power and the Soviets weren't going to kill us. Since then, life's outlook has been pretty peachy, depending on your view of 9/11 I suppose. I still feel safe, but I know a lot of people don't and may never. I don't think our powers-that-be for the last seven years have helped us get over that event, but I think they've twisted that acceptance of an early death into the fear (or hope) that we won't (will) survive unless(if) we go along with their plan. Anyway, my political beliefs aren't important and are speculative, but it's what I've concluded for now. If you want to come to your own conclusion, you'll have to look elsewhere.

I don't have much of a declarative thesis for this or anything enlightening to present. I feel that the U.S. is generally a safe, prosperous country, especially in the time I've covered, but a common feeling among people who should be theoretically looking ahead to their entire lives was that death was knocking at their door. Maybe I do have a conclusion. Maybe that's just how life is supposed to be. I've never really felt fated to an early death (besides killing myself out of chemical depression) and maybe I'm just really fucking lucky to have felt safe.

I mostly find the exploration of this idea disheartening, as I view myself as a person who values honor and higher ideals(I won't get into details) and am proud of it, and maybe my theory of a brutish, short life as the norm would mean I am coddled. I'm not sure whether or not a coddled existence consequently makes higher ideals worth a rat's turd, but I'm sure it ups the probability that my own personal philosophy is less of an achievement. But then again, while I can't pat myself on the back for doing something with any degree of difficulty, it's a good thing that such an environment was created that I was able to so easily reflect on things without the perspective of someone who's ever had to worry about my own animal survival. It's likely good that someone doesn't have to rise above the odds to feel safe and prosperous and have a code of ethics, that they merely have to achieve status quo.

Anyway, I'm done and if you made it this far, I'm humbled. Or maybe I'm the opposite of humbled.

EDIT: This isn't an essay trying to prove something, just a perspective and a reason for it, and it contains plenty of acknowledged holes. If you have something to add or even if you just want to promote your porn site in my comments, feel free.

If only it had worked.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071128/ap_on_fe_st/odd_million_dollar_bill

Why you should keep an eye on your kids.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3Lr70lwaVg

Your Dad may be right hon.

http://www.house.gov/paul/congrec/congrec2006/cr021506.htm

If any of you don't feel like reading this it basically says the dollar is headed for failure.

ANOTHER good SNL clip? No way.

http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/29939/

Well it's happened. My depression has resurfaced and it's taking a similar toll as before. When I see my loved ones and try to do the things I love I feel nothing and it freaks me out, especially in the case of my lovely girlfriend Jenn. I think it may be because I have such a passionate love for her, and I'd rather have my eyes taken from me than have that taken from me. In any case, while this thing usually sends my head into a tailspin and wracks my body(6 lbs down already), I'm not too worried. I've been here before. Jenn's been here before. We know what it is. My life is fine. Our relationship is fine. I just have to eat as much as I can and do as well as I can at work until it passes. If anything, the biggest overall feeling I get from this is annoyance. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a control freak and it pisses me off there's nothing I can do about it.

The word "Emerald" is following me around.

I'm not going into specifics, but I'm seeing it too much and there's no reason behind it. I'm not trying to be cute and random either, and anyone who knows me will confirm this as my usual demeanor. It's true though.

Now, for the non-weird:

I just played football in the annual Turkey Day game and this is my first catch-less year ever. It's dissapointing because I'm used to dominating that game, but I don't feel terrible because I wasn't thrown to very much. Also, I think on the second play I either severely bruised or cracked my rib. It really, really hurts. So, I'm trying move very slowly and not breathe too heavily. Besides that I'm good, feeling generally okay despite the actual events of my life, which aren't tragic but together they can weigh on a guy's shoulders. I think I need more exercise.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and if you're not from the United States, eat a lot today anyway.

Damn I'm more fucked up than I thought.

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	High
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Oblivion should be cheap and readily available with no side effects. My life is okay but sometimes I just want to get the hell away from myself. Temporary Amnesia might be fun.

Nothing worth having in this world comes easy.

*goes running, does pushups*

*waits for her*

*buys wire from hardware store* (don't ask)

sad, lonely, horny, tipsy, miss her voice. This sucks. Good night.

See. Not but an hour or so later and I'm feeling alright about life and the future. The human mind is so crazy.

Bah, I can't sleep.

I'm having one of those days where I'm unhappy and I don't think anything could change that. I feel like I'll never have another happy moment in my life again. I know this isn't true. I used to have lots of days like this and I couldn't handle it. I can handle it better now. I have the knowledge that tomorrow or the next day I'll likely feel happy and optimistic. Just not tonight.

Btw, just for you hon:

http://adisney.go.com/disneypictures/nightmare/index.html

So, day four on Jenn-lessness. I'll be okay, though I should have stayed later on Sunday. Our anniversary was so good that the only words I could use to describe it are the ones I just wrote. I love that little goober. She can rock a leopard print dress like no other.

Tomorrow I'll be at the A's game where they will hopefully clinch the series and I'll catch a foul ball. Third-baseline, fourth row baby. Hmmm, ACLS anyone?

Saturday I'm headed up to Davis for the night. Hopefully I'll get a nice cider buzz.

This quiet office just makes me want to scream. I have nothing to do. I'm running out of internet. They have to have something for me to do. I finally started looking at the job listings.

This is the toughest monday I've had in a while.

Problems with Jenn I can do nothing about. Return of the physical stress symptons. Dammit dammit dammit.

My crazy stepmother told my dad I must move out by January or she will leave him.

I woke up this morning and my work pants are gone. I suspect she tossed them out because I like to keep them on top of the dresser rather than in the closet.

None of this should be happening.

EDIT/P.S.

"The Last Kiss" was a miserable movie that is a must-see as a warm-up to any suicide pact.

Problems and Solutions.

Biggest Problem: I miss Jenn.

Call me pathetic or obsessive or whatever comes with this sort of feeling, but if I could come home to Jenn, I'd be happy. I could go through ten hours a day of some guy kicking me in the head if it meant afterwards I could lay down on the couch, nuzzle my head in her lap and watch television and after that sleep next to her.

As it stands, my weeks are hell. My job is bad. It pays me well enough and will look good on the resume, but that's where the good ends. I need to keep the job for another year, and I think I can do it. After work is no good either. I have about 3-4 free hours, and there's just not much I want to do. My contact with Jenn is limited to the phone, and honestly we've been together so long anything past a five minute conversation is moot most of the time. We know each other in and out. The phone mostly makes me wish she was there to kiss. The time apart makes me feel nervous about seeing her on the weekend sometimes, afraid that that one week was all it took for us to grow apart. Sure enough though, the weekend rolls around, and everything is right in the world.

Solution: See her more. (Pretty obvious eh?)

As we don't have any plans to move in with each other for another 2 or 3 years, I need some sort of bandage. The best thing I can think of for this is to see her at some point in the week. The way my schedule works I could probably see her for a few hours sometime between tues-thurs provided I want to make the hour drive either. I don't mind it at all. My car, on the other hand, may have objections. Its gas mileage sucks. There's no radio. Its a gamble whether the lights will work at night. This is my main obstacle to seeing her.

My solution is I need a new car.

I've decided to buy a Civic Hybrid. Cheap on gas. Likely reliable. Has a radio. Only costs between 20-25k from what I've seen. Now I must save. Miss you babe.

Do any of you ever make wishes on eyelashes? Where you or someone nearby you takes a loose eyelash from your face, and while focusing on said eyelash resting on the finger of the person who took it from your face, you make a wish, and then blow the eyelash from the finger? If you don't, well, now you know some of us do. For the rest of you, has it ever happened where after you blow the eyelash away, you actually see where it lands? It has happened to me, and it seems infinitely wrong. It has the same feeling as getting indisputable evidence there is no Santa Claus. You feel kind of silly seeing it just sitting there. I guess of course some people could view it as an opportunity for a second wish maybe.

They need more specific rules to this.